Dear Santa....

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send
you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa



*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides
his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos
instead.

Santa


****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll hook you up
with a Barbie.

Santa


****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa


****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most
of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps
table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like
in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't fly
with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

******************************************** ********
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in an apartment
complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your
bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Understanding Women

We need REALLY MEANS I want

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You want REALLY MEANS You need

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It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

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You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

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I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

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You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

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Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed

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This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

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You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

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Yes REALLY MEANS No

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No REALLY MEANS No

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Maybe REALLY MEANS No

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I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

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Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

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How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

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I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

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Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

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I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

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Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

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Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

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I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

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All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

Sorrity Girls

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.

What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.

Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.

What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.

What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."

What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

Woman Rules

1.The female always makes the rules.
2.The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules.
4.If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7.If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8.The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
9.The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm and an indetermined number of nights on the couch.
If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void