A@#holes!

For all of you that have a bad day, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know! Now get this:

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an a@#hole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "a@#hole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an a@#hole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the a@#hole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a@#hole!" (keep reading it gets better.) An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space.I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally,her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an a@#hole, there sure a lot of a@#holes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an a@#hole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're an a@#hole!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two a@#holes to call. Then, after several months of calling the a@#holes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial a@#hole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I yelled "You're an a@#hole!", but I didn't hang up. The a@#hole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" So I told him, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a@#hole!" and I hung up. Then I called a@#hole #2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hi, a@#hole." He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" " I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, a@#hole!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two a@#holes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life! The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

You know you're from Michigan if:

1. You've never met any celebrities.

2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.

3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game.

4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian... eh!

5. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

6. Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.

7. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

8. It's easy to get VERNORS ginger ale, Sanders hot fudge sauce, and Faygo pop.

9. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".

10. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.

11. You bake with SODA and drink a POP.

12. The movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary.

13. Your little league game was snowed out.

14. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical significance.

15. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your right hand.

16. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

17. You measure distance in miles not minutes.

18. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left.”

19. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't that far from Hell.

20. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.

21. You consider summer just to be two months of bad sleddin'.

22. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.
23. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.

24. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.

25. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.

26. You refer to Bad Axe as 'Nasty Hatchet'

27. The Krauts in Frankenmuth love to see pictures of your Christmas tree.

28. You lost your virginity up at Higgins or Houghton to some skank from Detroit.

Twenty Indisputable Truths:

Ten Indisputable Truths Black People Know And White People Won't Admit;
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Anything below 55 degrees is cold. You should be wearing a jacket and long pants.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal pretty.
5. Yes, Black people do tan.
6. There's a very thin line between being a *legitimately* cool White person and being an insulting wannabe gangster.
7. Thomas Jefferson did father Sally Hemmings' children.
8. Bob Hope has never been funny.
9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beat the snot out of Rocky Marciano. (So would Muhammad Ali.)
10. Making money does not make you a man.

Ten Indisputable Truths White People Know And Black People Won't Admit
1. O.J. did it.
2. Gold-plating does not make everything better.
3. Just because you have ten fingers does not mean you have to wear ten rings.
4. Tupac is dead.
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Spandex and miniskirts are not for everyone.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. Larry Bird wasn't just "white hype"; he could play.
9. Your sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Making babies does not make you a man.

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe , Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, s Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral , Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
37. If Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for70 mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. illia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally !
49. Don't Be ist - Broads That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
66. I see Dumb People.
67. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
68. I hear voices, and they don't like you.
69. I love cat's, they taste just like chicken.
70. At least I'm in front of you!
71. Learn from your parent's mistakes- use birth control.
72. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
73. Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
74. Born free - taxed to .
75. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
76. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
77. All men are idiots and I married their King.
78. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
79. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
80. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
81. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
82. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
83. No radio - already stolen.
84. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
85. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
86. Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
87. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
88. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
89. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
90. How can I miss you if you won't go away.
91. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
92. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
93. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
94. Be nice to your kids, They'll choose your nursing home.
95. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
96. Ever stop to think and forget to start again

Rules for life

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Basic Ten Rules of Life
really are....

1. Never, ever, give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are
"I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,
'Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?

8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

9. Living well really IS the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

10. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Man Rules

We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side:

These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want done. not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is ok.

1. Really, Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hockey, the neutral zone trap, working out, or muscle cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

How to survive a Horror Movie:

1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
2. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
3. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really . Keep at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
4. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.
5. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
6. Don't look under the bed.
7. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
8. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
9. If relatives or pets come back from the , don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
10. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
11. If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
12. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
13. It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
14. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
15. When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
16. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
17. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
18. If your companions start turning up , make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
19. If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" .
20. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
21. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
22. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
Do not accept/take anything from the .
If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass , s, freak s, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a planet, don't stop to check it out.
Never put your back to or lean on a door.
Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
Never speak to clowns in sewers.
Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for , howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, , s, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 e space modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

Deep Thoughts by Steven Wright

1.) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...
2.) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
3.) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
4.) Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
5.) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
6.) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
7.) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
8.) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
9.) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
10.) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
11.) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
12.) Clones are people two.
13.) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women to hear him, is he still wrong?
14.) Go ahead and take risks.... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
15.) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
16.) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
17.) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
18.) Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
19.) If a person with multiple personalities threatens , is that considered a hostage situation?
20.) If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
21.) I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
22.) So what's the speed of dark?
23.) How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
24.) After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
25.) Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
26.) If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
27.) I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
28.) Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
29.) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
30.) Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
31.) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
32.) Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
33.) How come abbreviated is such a long word?
34.) If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
35.) Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Bumper Stickers

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you're an .

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys... Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people:
Everybody, But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my d riving? Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be
out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!

1. Welcome to America ... Now speak English

Annoying things to do when you get pulled over:

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of ual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. Then ask to use his pen to sign the ticket.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
43. Accuse him of ual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62.Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

Annoying things to do in your car:

1.Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4.Two words: Chicken suit.
5.Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like , the better.
6.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8.Stop at the green lights.
9.Go at the red ones.
10.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11.Eat food that requires silverware.
12.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13.Sing without having the radio on.
14.Honk frequently without motivation.
15.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an gesture.
16.Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17.Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19.Restart your car at every stop light.
20.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their out the window.
22.While stopped at a light, out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23.Paint your car with occult symbols.
24.Keep at least five cats in the car.
25.Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy .
26.Root (cheer, not le in the mud) for fire trucks.
27.Stop and collect road kill.
28.Stop and pray to road kill.
29.Throw Spam.
30.Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
31.When talking to a police officer, refer to him or her as "General."
32.Leave your turn signal on without changing lanes or turning.
33.Drive on the shoulders of the road.
34.Park too close to other cars.

Annoying things to do in the bathroom stall:

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Annoying things to do in public places:

1) Eat with your mouth open.
2) Tuck your napkin into your shirt collar.
3) Talk out loud in libraries
4) Make scary faces at babies
5) Laugh for no reason
6) Don't brush your teeth for a week before going to the dentist.
7) Finish people's sentences for them.
8) When you shake hands with a person, tickle thier palm with your index finger.
9) Cut in front of people.
10) Wear dark colored socks with sandles and shorts.
11) Wear a white belt and shoes.
12) Whine intermittently.
13) When the wine steward at a fine restaurant offers you a sample, taste it, then spit it all over him and scream:"How dare you try to pawn off this swill on ME of all people. I'm a licensed Security guard!"
14) Try to pull open doors that say push and push on doors that say pull. Strugle with door until someone comes along and opens it.
15) Run out of an optomitrists office yelling:"He blinded me!"
16) Pull up to a bank drive-thru and ask for a cheeseburger and fries.
17) Wear your underware on the outside.
18) Talk to invisible friends.
19) Chew your fingernails and spit the clipings at people.
20) Collect all the trash from your car and stuff it into the transaction box at a bank drive-thru window. Ask the teller:"Say, could you take care of this for me? Thanks. Bye-bye."
21) Skip rather than walk whenever possible.
22) Talk "through" a hand puppet whenever possible.
23) Drive around town on a riding lawnmower.
24) End every statement by saying:"So sayeth the lord!"
25) Don't make eyecontact with people.
26) Don't flush
27) Stand in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars.
28) Pick up food at a salad bar, taste it, then put it back.
29) Wear you watch on your ankle and check time constantly.
30) Make beeping noises whenever someone backs up.
31) During conversations, start barking like a dog.
32) Specify that your drive-thru order is to go.
33) Stand up in a busy resturant and violently tear a news paper to shreds while screaming:"It's lies! It's all lies!"
34) Wear two different colors and style shoes.
35) When approaching a closed door yell:"Open!" If the door doesn't open, stand at the door and yell "open" over and over until someone opens it.

Annoying things to do in an elevator:

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up damnit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a wet-willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

Annoying things to do in a drive-thru:

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu, then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels - unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh ically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "No, why can't I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway, and keep doing it until they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
21. When they say, "May I help you?" respond with, "No, I am beyond help."

Annoying things to do at work:

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for ual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
25) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!" And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:
31) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Annoying things to do when you're bored at WalMart:

1. Get boxes of s and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs. the X-Men
13. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Alcohol Warning Lables:

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers and Tequila bottles!


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

100 Ways to order a pizza:

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."